


The Last of Her Kind

by krazieLeylines



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Ashen Romance | Auspistice, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Love Triangles, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Quadrant Confusion, Quadrant Vacillation, Troll Culture, Troll Dave, Troll John, Troll Rose, Trollstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-02-05 20:00:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1830442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krazieLeylines/pseuds/krazieLeylines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(An "everyone is a troll living on Alternia" au.) </p><p>There is two perigees left until the imperial fleets arrive back on Alternia to recruit the next generation of the intergalactic empire's soldiers. Two descendants carry the late Imperial Condescension's blood in their veins. The two brother trolls the Grand Highblood's prophesies spoke of eons ago find themselves welcomed into the church as the twin Messiahs. Two mutants watched over by the secret cult of the Signless are recruited into a war that has been waiting generations to be rekindled. And the last limeblood to exist, young but hopeful Jaydan Harley, muddles through her increasingly confusing web of quadratic entanglements in an effort to create some sort of lasting peace between them all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prelude

\--gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]--  
GG: heyyyy d!ngbutt  
GG: are you awake yet??  
GG: oh come onnnnnnnn karpup  
GG: the sun set hourrrrs ago how can you st!ll be laz!ng around !n bed???? :0p  
CG: OH FUCK YOU AND YOUR MIGRAINE-INDUCING EVENING PERSON PERSONALITY, JAYDAN HARLEY.  
CG: GO SHOVE YOUR UNWELCOME SLOBBERY SNOUT INTO SOMEBODY ELSE’S PERSONAL BEEXWAX FOR ONCE. DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT I WAS *ALREADY* AWAKE, AND WAS TOO BUSY TO INDULGE IN YOUR NAUSEATINGLY PEPPY THEATRICS FOR ONCE?  
GG: ummmmmmm no  
GG: karkat all you ever do !s watch dumb g!rl mov!es and prance around your resp!teblock pretend!ng to defeat !mag!nary foes!!!!  
CG: THIS COMING FROM THE DUMB GIRL.  
GG: ! dont think youuu should be !nsult!ng meee m!ster  
GG: espec!ally s!nce !m the only person who w!ll w!ll!ngly agree to subject themselves to watch!ng those cheesy f!lms with you :0p  
CG: THAT ISN’T TRUE. GAMZEE WATCHES THEM WITH ME TOO.  
GG: yeahhhhh thats r!ght  
GG: except he never paws any attent!on :0u  
CG: WELL… YEAH, OKAY. HIS THINK PAN ISN’T ACUTALLY CAPABLE OF PAYING ATTENTION TO ANYTHING FOR LONGER THAN TEN, MAYBE TWENTY MINUTES AT THE MOST. I SHOULD HAVE KICKED HIS SHIT SOPOR HABIT SOONER, BEFORE HE GOT ALL THESE GAPING HOLES IN HIS SPONGE.  
CG: ANYWAY. DID YOU HAVE SOMETHING OF RELATIVE IMPORTANCE TO DISCUSS WITH ME, OR ARE YOU TAKING PLEASURE OUT OF PISSING ME OFF?  
GG: ewwwwwww!!  
GG: are you compar!ng me w!th equ!us??????  
CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE FRIENDS WITH EQUIUS.  
GG: well yeah ! l!ke hang!ng around h!s h!ve because thats really the onlyyyyy way ! ever get to see nepeta  
GG: her cave !s too far away for me to v!s!t!! :0c  
GG: look at the droopy dogg!e face karkat :0c  
CG: YES, HE APPEARS VERY EMOTIONALLY DISTRAUGHT. ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER THE QUESTION LIKE A GODDAMN ADULT TROLL OR NOT?  
GG: !m not an adult yetttt karkat  
CG: FUCKING DAMN CLOSE ENOUGH.  
GG: two per!gees and a half to be exact  
GG: g!ve or take a few days depend!ng on when f!l!al pa!l season f!n!shes th!s sweep  
GG: based on the populat!on s!ze of our generat!ons clutch ! would est!mate !t end!ng juuuuuuuuuuust… a week before twelfths per!gees eve!!! wh!ch !s just enough t!me to f!n!sh my hol!day shopp!ng :0p  
CG: HIP FUCKING HOORAY.  
CG: LOOK, IF YOU’RE JUST GOING TO KEEP SLOBBERING ALL OVER MY CHAT LOG ABOUT SHIT I DON’T GIVE ONE FLYING HOOT ABOUT, THEN CAN YOU JUST KINDLY FUCK OFF?  
GG: looks l!ke someone slept !n the wrong pos!t!on !n the coon :0u  
GG: but !m not try!ng to hound you karkat!!  
GG: ! guess !m just k!nd of avo!d!ng the subject because !m afra!d that !ll say someth!ng wrong and youll take !t the wrong way??  
GG: :0c  
CG: OH.  
CG: WELL, SHIT. I KIND OF THINK I KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GOING WITH THIS, ACTUALLY…  
GG: wa!t, you do???  
CG: WELL, I GUESS IN RETROSPECT EVERYTHING YOU SAID BEFORE WAS KIND OF LEADING UP TO IT, IN A WAY. LIKE SOME SORT OF RAMBLY PRELUDE RIGHT BEFORE YOU DROP THE HARD COLD TRUTH ON ME.  
CG: I WAS PLANNING ON ADDRESSING THIS LATER. MUCH LATER…  
CG: HELL, I HAVEN’T EVEN TALKED TO GAMZEE ABOUT IT YET. BUT SINCE WE’RE ON THE SAME PAGE, THERE’S REALLY NO MORE REASON TO BEAT AROUND THIS BUSH TIME AND TIME FUCKING AGAIN, IS THERE?  
CG: I KIND OF ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WOULD END UP HERE.  
CG: WELL, NOT ALWAYS, OBVIOUSLY. BUT THAT SHIT WITH TEREZI HAPPENED SWEEPS AGO, BACK WHEN I WAS WHAT? SIX SWEEPS. EVERYONE MADE SHIT DECISIONS AT SIX SWEEPS. I MEAN, NEPETA AND EQUIUS GOT TOGETHER AROUND THAT SWEEP, BUT SOMETIMES SERENDIPITY JUST *HAPPENS*, AND HITS YOU IN THE FACE LIKE A FUCKING PUNCH OF REALTIY.   
CG: WAIT, SHIT.   
CG: I JUST COMPLETELY MONOPOLIZED WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY.  
GG: ummmm thats ok!!  
GG: ! had no bark!ng !dea you f!gured !t out so early though!!!!  
GG: ! have to say that !m very !mpressed… as well as k!nd of worr!ed… do you th!nk anyone else f!gured !t out????? :0c  
CG: ANYONE ELSE?  
CG: UMM. I DOUBT IT. IF YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, OUR SOCIAL CIRCLE IS OVERFLOWING WITH BRAINROTTEN MORONS LIKE A CLOGGED LOAD GAPER. I DOUBT THEY WOULD NOTICE EVEN IF IT *WAS* OBVIOUS TO THE SCARCELY INTELLIGENT PORTION OF TROLL SOCIETY.  
GG: yeah…  
GG: ! dont knowwwwww :0c  
GG: rosary and roxann are both really smart!!  
CG: OKAY, I HAVE TO HAND IT TO ROSARY, WHEN IT COMES TO QUADRANTS, SHE KNOWS HER SHIT. BUT THAT’S ONLY BECAUSE SHE SNEAKS AROUND STEALING MY BOOKS, WHICH SHE REFERS TO AS *BORROWING*, BUT NEVER YET HAS SHE RETURNED A SINGLE VOLUME OF MY VAST AND EXTREMELY FUCKING RARE COLLECTION.  
GG: well yeah but shes smart about a whooooooole lot of other stuff as well!!  
GG: tbh… ! th!nk she already knows but just hasnt told anyone yet  
CG: I SURE FUCKING HOPE NOT. WHAT KIND OF SELF-PROCLAIMED FRIEND GOES AROUND MAKING INFORMATION LIKE THAT PUBLIC??  
GG: heeheehee true!!! :0p  
GG: ! guess ! worry a l!ttle too much for my own good… ! can make myself pretty much s!c w!th worry somet!mes…  
GG: okay well s!nce the… er… dog !s out of the bag now…  
GG: ! can start typ!ng l!ke th!s!!!  
CG: WHOA.  
CG: UM.  
CG: ??????  
GG: what do you mean ?????? :0u  
CG: WHAT’S THE TEXT COLOR CHANGE FOR?  
GG: ummmm  
GG: because !m a l!mebreed???  
GG: wa!t!!  
GG: were we talk!ng about two very y!fferent th!ngs????  
CG: FIRST OF ALL, I FORBID YOU FROM *EVER* MAKING THAT REVOLTING GODFORSAKEN FETISH PUN AGAIN. SECONDLY, YEAH. IT APPEARS WE WERE HAVING TWO COMPLETELY SEPARATE CONVERSATIONS.  
GG: :0c  
GG: oh  
GG: what were you talk!ng about  
CG: NOTHING. SOMETHING REALLY FUCKING STUPID, IN RETROSPECT.  
CG: SO. YOU’RE A LIMEBLOOD?  
GG: yeah… do you hate me now??  
CG: WHAT? NO, OF COURSE NOT.  
CG: TO… TELL YOU THE TRUTH… YOU AND I MAY BE IN A SOMEWHAT SIMILAR SITUATION.  
GG: you mean w!th your br!ght red blood r!ght  
CG: WHAT. HOW THE SHIT.  
CG: WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT???  
GG: oh no one!!!!  
GG: ! f!gured !t out on my own actually  
CG: ***WHAAAAT????***  
CG: HOW IN THE SHIT HARLEY  
GG: thats easy  
GG: ! met another troll w!th the same s!gn as you  
GG: wh!ch means the two of you share the same pr!mary genet!c ancestor aaaaaand the same blood color  
CG: MY BLOOD IS A MUTATION, JAYDAN. IT’S PERFECTLY REASONABLE TO THINK THAT ONLY ONE OF US INHERITED THE MUTATION.  
GG: !ts plaus!ble but stat!st!cally less l!kely to occur  
CG: OKAAAAAY.  
CG: SO THIS FUCKING TROLL IS RUNNING AROUND ALTERNIA WITH MUTANT RED BLOOD AND MY SIGN AND NO ONE’S CULLED THE IDIOT BASTARD YET?  
GG: !ts not l!ke hes advert!s!ng !t karkat!!!  
GG: have you ever heard of the cult of the s!gnless  
CG: SHSHSHSHSHHHHHHHH  
CG: OH MY FUCK JAYDAN IMPERIAL DRONES COULD BE TAPPING OUR MESSAGES FOR KEY ANARCHIST PHRASES.   
GG: oh hush you b!g wagger  
GG: ! obv!ously asked roxann to secure my laptop aaaaand all of my troll!an chats  
GG: do you really th!nk !m that howl!ng mad??  
GG: ! do have some sense of self-preservat!on you know :0u  
CG: OKAY, OKAY.   
CG: FUCKING PUT MY HEAD ON A STAKE FOR HAVING AN OUNCE OF PERFECTLY REASONABLE CAUTION, WON’T YOU?  
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE THIS SECRET GETTING OUT WOULD HAVE ANY SERIOUS REAL WORLD CONCEQUENCES LIKE BRUTAL PUBLIC HUMILIATION FOLLOWED UP BY A BLOODY EXECUTION OR SOMETHING.  
GG: !m just cont!nuously roll!ng my eyes over here karkat  
GG: anyyyyyyway  
GG: th!s troll who shares your s!gn !s cons!dered to be the s!gnlesss owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn…  
GG: …progeny!!!!!!! :0p  
CG: IF HE’S THE SIGNLESS’S DESCENDANT THEN WHY DOES HE HAVE A SIGN?  
GG: because the s!gnlesss followers gave h!m one duuuuuh  
GG: they were on the lookout for any grub that shared h!s mutat!on so they could set them up w!th a lusus and h!ve… and the s!gn of s!gnlesss unjust execut!on   
GG: sound fam!m!lar?????  
CG: OH…  
CG: OH, FUCK ME.  
GG: th!s doesnt have to be a bad th!ng karkat!!!  
GG: ! mean honestly what were you even plann!ng to doooo when the !mper!al fleets came for us at the end of the sweep??  
GG: what were you plann!ng on do!ng dur!ng f!l!al pa!l season????  
CG: I…  
CG: I DON’T KNOW, HONESTLY.  
CG: I WAS JUST SORT OF PRETENDING THAT IT WAS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN, HONESTLY.  
GG: wow  
CG: YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW. I WAS BEING FUCKING STUPID AS HELL.  
GG: thats because you are stup!d karkat  
GG: youre the absolute stup!dest :0p  
CG: AND YET THAT ISN’T EVEN AN ACTUAL GODDAMN WORD.  
GG: well ne!ther !s buttmunch  
GG: or nookslurper  
GG: or panrot or bulgegobbler or any of the var!ous other creat!ve and mostly blatantly sexual !nsults you come up with  
CG: UHG, DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT?  
GG: heeheeheeheeee :0p  
GG: so are you go!ng to jo!n me !n the cult of the s!gnless or what  
CG: WAIT, YOU’RE *PART OF THEM*???  
GG: nooooo ! just obta!ned very class!f!ed !nformat!on about them w!th my sneaky man!pulat!ve h!ghbreed powers  
GG: oh wa!t thats terez! or vr!ska…  
GG: ! dont have any h!ghbreed powers because ! am !n fact not a h!ghbreed!!!!! :0u  
CG: OKAY, OKAY, QUIT IT WITH THE SASS, HARLEY.  
CG: I…  
CG: HONESTLY, IT JUST SOUNDS LIKE A SUICIDE MISSION.  
GG: aaaaand s!gn!ng on to be a threshecut!oner !snt?????  
CG: …  
CG: IT’S THE ONLY WAY I’LL BE ABLE TO STAY WITH GAMZEE.  
CG: AND ISN’T THE CULT OF THE SIGNLESS’S MAIN OBJECTIVE TO TAKE DOWN THE HEIRESS ANYWAY? BECAUSE FUCK, JAYDAN, IF YOU’RE HAVING PROBLEMS WITH YOUR MOIRAIL, THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO SORT THEM OUT.  
GG: ummm f!rst of all fefer! !s only half of the current he!r to the altern!an throne  
GG: and second of all fefer! knows about my l!m3 blood and my pol!t!cal aff!l!ations… ! told her before ! jo!ned even!! you know l!ke a good and proper mo!ra!l  
CG: AND FEFERI… IS OKAY WITH THIS?  
GG: of course!!!  
GG: she wants equal!ty amongst the hemospectrum just as much as you and ! do  
GG: were th!nk!ng that maybe we can f!nd a way to settle th!s whole th!ng peaceably so that we dont have another rebell!on that costs our emp!re thousands of l!ves  
CG: HA.  
CG: YOU HAVE *GOT* TO BE KIDDING ME.  
CG: JAYDAN, ARE YOU EVEN REREADING ALL THIS COMPLETE BULLSHIT YOU’RE TYPING HERE? HONESTLY, I CAN’T EVEN READ OVER IT AGAIN MYSELF WITHOUT SUFFERING THIRD DEGREE SECOND HAND EMBARRASSMENT.  
CG: THIS ISN’T ONE OF YOUR STUPID KID CARTOONS.  
CG: YOU CAN’T JUST USE THE POWERS OF FRIENDSHIP AND HAPPINESS TO FORCE PEACE ONTO A PLANET THAT WAS LITERALLY BUILT AND CONTINUES TO THRIVE ON THE COUNTLESS SACRIFICES OF OUR IMPERIAL SOLDIERS.  
CG: YOU CAN’T HAVE PEACE WITHOUT GETTING RID OF SOLDIERS. THAT MEANS NO MORE THRESHECUTIONERS. NO MORE RUFFIANNIHILATORS. NO MORE CAVALREAPERS OR ARCHERADICATORS. AND YOU’D HAVE TO ABSOLUTELY OBLITHERATE ALL GAMBLIGNANTS, WHICH IS A FEAT EVEN THE LATE IMPERIAL CONDESCENSION, GOD REST HER VALIANT SOUL, COULDN’T ACCOMPLISH.  
GG: urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggh!!!!!  
GG: f!!!!!!!!!!!!!ne!!!!!  
GG: ! am done argu!ng w!th you about th!s  
CG: WHAT CRAWLED UP YOUR ASS ALL OF A SUDDEN?  
GG: ! dont understand why th!s !s such a hard concept for you to dr!ve through your skull karkat ! really dont  
GG: !ts not l!ke !m try!ng to fl!p the whole !ntergalact!c emp!re ups!de down or steal away !ts culture… !m just f!ght!ng for a future where ! dont have to l!e about be!ng a l!mebreed  
GG: where ! can actually peruse a matespr!tsh!p or a k!smes!ss!tude w!thout be!ng afra!d that theyll turn me !n when they f!nd out  
GG: !s that really so much to ask for???  
CG: I…  
CG: NO, NO. THAT’S NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR. I GUESS I JUST CAN’T HOPE THE WAY YOU CAN ANYMORE, HARLEY.  
CG: I GUESS I LOOK LIKE A REAL JERK OF A DUMBFUCK RIGHT NOW, HUH?  
GG: …  
GG: only the jerk!est dumbfuck !ve ever seen :0p  
GG: but… ! guess !ts k!nd of easy to become cyno!d!cal !n th!s mucky s!tuat!on we were both born !nto  
CG: …CYNOIDICAL?  
GG: ummmm cyn!cal  
GG: m!xed w!th cyno!dea wh!ch !s fancy sc!ence speak for l!ke wolves and coyotes and stuff  
CG: UHHHG.  
CG: YOU GIRLS AND YOUR GODDAMN ANIMAL PUNS.  
GG: woof :0p  
CG: I GUESS I AM PRETTY FUCKING CYNICAL THOUGH, HUH?  
GG: yup  
CG: I, FUCK. I DON’T KNOW, JADE. I DON’T SUPPOSE I COULD JUST WALTZ INTO ONE OF THESE MEETINGS TO DETERMINE IF IT’S SOMETHING I WANT TO PURSUE OR NOT?  
GG: ! very much doubt !t  
GG: although you can st!ll be a threshecut!oner too you know  
GG: !ts not l!ke you have to p!ck one or the other so you can st!ll spend as much t!me w!th gamzee as you des!re!! :0p  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: IT WOULD JUST REALLY PUT HIS WHOLE CAREER AT STAKE, YOU KNOW, IF EVEN A WHISPER OF WHAT HIS MOIRAIL WAS UP TO GOT OUT.  
GG: ! understand  
GG: take as much t!me as you need to th!nk about !t  
GG: meanwh!le we should get busy f!nd!ng some su!table mates for our f!rst contr!but!on to the spec!ess genet!c slurry huh??  
GG: ! cant bel!eve were almost !n the double d!g!ts   
GG: we should all plan to have a party somet!me next per!gee at fefer! and meenahs place…  
GG: s!nce !tll probably be the last t!me we all see each other yknow  
CG: YEAH…  
CG: THAT’S A GOOD IDEA, JAYDAN. I’M SURE GAMZEE WILL BE EXCESSIVELY OVERJOYED OVER THE PROSPECT OF A GRAND SOCIAL EVENT PACKED WALL TO FUCKING WALL WITH THE VARIOUS DOUCHEBAGS WE ALL MISTAKENLY MANAGED TO BEFRIEND.  
GG: ever the warm welcom!ng troll you are…  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: SO.  
GG: sooooo???  
CG: WAS THAT ALL?  
GG: um yeaaaaaaah ! th!nk so!!  
GG: bye bye karkat  
\--gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]--  
CG: BYE, JAYDAN.  



	2. The Agenda

==>JAYDAN HARLEY: INTRODUCE YOURSELF PROPERLY

Your name is JAYDAN HARLEY. Today is the 10th unilunar perigee of the 9th dark season’s equinox, which is not really a remarkable day or anything, but since you’re on a TIGHT AGENDA, it’s worth noting. Of course, this date is translated quite literally from Alternian to English for your readers, and means absolutely nothing to them. So perhaps it would be better to note that it has been 9 PERIGEES AND 10 DAYS SINCE THE LAST EQUINOX, which just so happens to be one of the TWO EQUINOXES that act as landmarks in Alternia’s rotation around the sun, one which happens each solar sweep. It would also be good to note that you are ten days into the FIRST AUTUMN of the sweep, and the two planets are orbiting in such a fashion that the green, larger moon is eclipsing the pink, smaller moon. This all means that you are approaching the DARKEST, COLDEST WINTER of the sweep. It is a winter you will not be able to witness, seeing as this is the sweep that you will be ENLISTED INTO TO THE IMPERIAL FLEETS. And then you shall travel to other planets, with different solar orbits for you to chart and learn about.

Somewhat related to that topic, are your INTERESTS. As has become father obvious, you have a passion for ASTRONOMY, and sometimes you even DABBLE IN ASTROLOGY. You know fortune-telling by way of constellations is bogus, though. Only WHIMSICAL CLOWNS, DIVINE PROPHETS, and THE HORRORTERRORS THAT EXIST ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF SPACE can truly predict the future. You also like to GO ON ADVENTURES WITH YOUR CANINE LUSUS, when you’re not otherwise consumed by your other numerous interests, among which are CONDUCTING SCIENCE EXPERIMENTS, GARDENING, reading SUPERHERO COMIC BOOKS, practicing with THE VARIOUS MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS you own, INVENTING MACHINES to make your daily tedious chores easier, and HUNTING GAME with the NUCLEAR RIFLE your dear moirail bought for you on your seventh wriggling day. In TWO AND A HALF PERIGEES, you will be old enough to join her on the royal ship, the previously called CONDESCENSION BATTLESHIP, to be renamed upon you boarding with your moirail and her co-heiress. 

You like to chat with her a lot, along with some of your other friends. You were, in fact, just about to contact one of your closest companions. Your trolltag is gardenGnostic and you speak in a manner that is enthus!ast!c and juuuuuust a l!ttle b!t s!lly :0p. 

==>JAYDAN HARLEY: TROLL ROSARY LALOND

Rosary Lalond is your longtime gaming buddy, along with her almost identical friend and sign-sharer Roxann Lalond. They even share a lusus, a phenomenon rarely ever observed on Alternia. Despite being sea-dwelling royalty, they are quite like Feferi in the fact that they aren’t total self-conceited snobs. In fact, the three of them put together would even make you imagine that respectable royal trolls were the norm, if you hadn’t met a thousand other princes and princesses that proved that hypothesis quite erroneous.

But be acquainted with three perfectly decent princesses was above the norm, as far as you know, so you aren’t complaining. 

Rosary Lalond is already online, not that you’re surprised. When it comes to your previously mentioned agenda, Rosary is in fact your main accomplice, aside from Feferi, of course. She is just aware as you are of the time crunch you’re in. You only have 40 days until 12th Perigee’s Day, the beginning of the first winter, and the beginning of your last days on Alternia. It is also, coincidentally, the day you turn 10 sweeps, and are officially an adult.

Okay, enough procrastinating! The day is halfway over, and tomorrow you’ll only have 39 days left!

You sit your silly lass butt down and get to work.

\--gardenGnostic began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]--  
GG: heyyyyyyy rosaryyyyyyy  
TT: HeLLo, Jaydan, I was beginning to woRRy that something had happened to you. You are geneRaLLy not so taRdy in contacting me.  
TT: May I take a stab in the daRk and assume that you weRe dReading this conveRsation? Do not feeL any embaRRassment if my assumption is coRRect. I have as much to come cLean about as you do, and as such I aLso feLt RatheR anxious about taLking with you today.  
GG: you h!t the na!l r!ght on the hammer as usuaaaaaal :0p  
GG: also ! had some ruff to d!scuss w!th karkat and you know how looooong w!nded that boy can be!!!  
TT: I do not conveRse with him ReguLaRLy, but I heaR teLL of his stRong Lungs fRom Gamzee, TeRezi, Jonath, and you. It is a common enough compLaint and/oR fond RemaRk said of KaRkat that I have come to beLieve it is his most defining chaRacteRistic.   
GG: well !ts certa!nly the one th!ng you not!ce about h!m f!rst…  
TT: I hope you spoke with him about the cuLt of the SignLess. It is impeRative that he joins the movement as soon as possibLe.  
GG: yeah ! d!d but he doesnt seem all that !nterested yet  
TT: Yes, I didn’t think he wouLd be. It’s no big issue, though. I have the feeLing that he wiLL be changing his mind veRy soon. Did he happen to mention the Reasoning behind his ReseRvation?   
GG: hes afra!d of putt!ng gamzee at r!sk  
TT: Ahhhh, that’s undeRstandabLe. UnfoRtunateLy, he’s alReady at gReat Risk with me being his auspistice. Not that I associate myseLf with them diRectLy, of course, but I am in fuLL suppoRt of theiR poLiticaL agenda.   
GG: the fact that equal!ty !s cons!dered a pol!t!cal matter at all absolutely baffles me!!! :0c  
TT: Indeed, but not eveRyone sees it as bLack and white as we do.   
TT: Now, befoRe we go oveR our pLans, it is about time that the two of us finaLLy put aLL our caRds on the tabLe.   
TT: If it is Less intimidating foR you, I couLd go fiRst.  
GG: ummm yes please  
GG: !f you dont m!nd :0u  
TT: VeRy weLL.  
TT: I have aLways toLd you that aLL my infoRmation comes fRom the hoRRoRteRRoRs. This was a dishonest exaggeRation. I happen to keep a second souRce as weLL, one faR Less benign than the cadaveRous monsteRs that dweLL in the fuRthest known Ring of space.   
TT: WhiLe the hoRRoRteRRoRs speak in RiddLes and Rhymes that constantLy contRadict and baffLe me, my otheR souRce onLy eveR speaks the tRuth, as he knows it to be tRue.   
TT: Which in some ways is aLmost moRe maddening, foR he omits quite a bit of infoRmation, sometimes to puRposeLy Lead me astRay, and otheR times just for his own amusement. It is quite cLear that he is woRking against me, Rather than with me. And yet, he Remains the sort of scoundReL who fooLishLy deLights in bRagging about his seLf-pRocLaimed unfoiLabLe pLans.  
GG: woooooooow  
GG: um  
GG: thats a lot to take !n!!!  
GG: ! have a lot of quest!ons about th!s guy but honestly !m not even sure where to start  
GG: how d!d you even meet th!s guy??  
TT: He contacted me fiRst, a coupLe of sweeps back. Before, we wouLd onLy conveRse eveRy few peRigees, but RecentLy he has been pesteRing me aLmost eveRy day.  
TT: Which makes sense, seeing as how cLose we are to moment in which aLL the shit wiLL hit the proveRbiaL fan.  
TT: He caLLs himself Doc ScRatch, and he is not a tRoLL, nor does he Live on ALteRnia. And now you know exactLy eveRything that I know about the guy.  
GG: whoaaaaaa  
GG: he sounds spooky and myster!ous  
GG: and probably also k!nd of dangerous no matter how much he rel!es on cl!che mov!e v!lla!n tropes  
TT: I have suRmised the same.  
GG: does he contact you on troll!an???  
TT: Yes, but he has no troLLhandLe in which for me to contact him back. Our entiRe coRRespondence has been infuRiatingLy one-sided that way.  
GG: yeah !t sounds l!ke !t :0u  
GG: !m suddenly really worr!ed about you rosary  
GG: and the future of our ent!re spec!es on top of that!!  
GG: before !t felt l!ke we were !n control of our dest!ny but now ! feel l!ke were just the puppyets danc!ng around to someone elses wishes  
GG: w!thout even be!ng aware we were be!ng controlled :0c  
TT: I’ve been expeRiencing a simiLar foReboding feeLing.   
TT: Be that as it may, we ReaLLy have no otheR choice but to continue maRching foRward, even if it tuRns out we had been maRching to the beat of misteR Doc ScRatch’s dRum fRom the veRy staRt.  
TT: EveRything the hoRRoRteRRoRs whispeR to me wiLL come to pass, whetheR we decide to inteRvene oR not, Jaydan. And peRhaps the futuRe is set in stone, but I choose to beLieve otheRwise. At Least this way we aRe able to exeRt some soRt of contRoL, even if it tuRns out to be imagined contRoL, oveR the situation.  
GG: yeahhhhhh  
GG: ! st!ll dont l!ke !t but youre r!ght  
GG: ! suppose the best we can do !s just try our absolute hardest  
GG: and w!th that hav!ng been sa!d…  
GG: !ts t!me for me to shake myself clean of the secret !ve been h!d!ng from you!!!  
GG: surpr!se!!  
GG: !m a l!mebreed :0u  
TT: Oh.  
TT: Well, now that makes sense.  
GG: wa!t  
GG: !t does????  
TT: Yes. The hoRRoRteRRoRs toLd me that you weRe the Last of youR kind. HonestLy, I wasn’t quite suRe what to make of that statement. But now it is finaLLy cRystaL cLeaR. I do not know why that option did not occuR to me eaRLieR, actuaLLy.   
GG: okay phewwwwwwwwwww  
GG: not that ! thought you were go!ng to turn out to be hemophob!c or anyth!ng buuuuuuuuut  
GG: ! dont know ! guess ! was st!ll po!ntlessly worr!ed…  
GG: ! feel l!ke ! owe you an apology now  
TT: Of couRse you don’t. I Respect youR feeLings behind the wish to keep me uninfoRmed. You quite LiteRaLLy gave me the poweR to have you cuLLed. I appReciate the gRavity of the faith you have pLaced in me, and I will do my best not to invaLidate it.   
GG: heeheehee  
GG: thanks rosary!!!!  
GG: ! am very grateful for your fr!endsh!p!! ! mean ! am pretty much all the t!me but espec!ally r!ght now :0p  
TT: I am gRatefuL foR youR fRiendship as weLL.  
TT: Now, on a simiLaR subject…  
TT: The impeRiaL dRones wiLL staRt coLLecting in onLy six days. I can’t heLp but notice that you, aLong with a gReat many otheR of my fRiends, aRe cutting it RatheR cLose.  
GG: oh thaaaaat  
GG: well ! mean  
GG: sav!ng the world !s a l!!!!ttle more !mportant than romance dont you th!nk????  
TT: But if you don’t fiLL at Least both youR concupiscent quadRants, the dRones wiLL cuLL you. And if the dRones cuLL you, who shaLL be theRe to save the worLd with me?  
GG: yeah yeah ! know all of that  
GG: ! gueeeeeess…  
GG: ! just dont know where to start!!  
TT: I heaR Eridan has a fLushed cRush on you.  
GG: haha er!dan has had a flushed crush on everyyyyyyyybody at th!s po!nt :0p  
TT: Not eveRyone. Only FefeRi, Nepeta, KaRkat, and you.  
GG: yeah oooooooonly :0p  
GG: but wa!t how do you even know everyone er!dan has had a flushcrush on anyway????  
GG: l!ke… r!ght off the top of your head too  
TT: Roxann toLd me. She and ERidan have finaLLy settLed into a committed moiRaLLegiance.  
GG: f!nally!!!  
GG: but honestly ! dont know !f ! could be matespr!ts w!th er!dan…  
GG: ! mean hes a n!ce enough guy and everyth!ng but honestly !f ! had to choose a quadrant to put h!m !n ! would chose k!mes!ss!tude  
TT: He seems to pRovoke that feeLing out of a Lot of peopLe.   
TT: Why not Romance him as a kismesis, then? OR is theRe anotheR tRoLL that you bLeed even pitcheR foR, hmmm?  
GG: ummmmmm mayyyyyyybe?????  
TT: SpiLL, Jaydan HaRLey. SpiLL youR Romantic secRets as though we aRe two extRaordinaRiLy boRed gRubmotheRs whose onLy joy in the tedious monotony of Life is gossiping about ouR quadRant reLated endeavoRs.   
GG: or l!ke karkat and er!dan?? :0p  
TT: OR as though we aRe KaRkat and ERidan, yes.  
GG: okay okay  
GG: ! guess ! soooooort of have a black th!ng foooooooor…  
GG: terez! :0u  
TT: TeRezi? ReaLLy?  
GG: yeah!  
GG: shes supposed to be l!ke one of nepetas best fr!ends  
GG: and then starts dat!ng karkat w!thout even tell!ng her even though everyyyyyyybody knows nepeta !s ser!ously puppy dog level flushed for the !nsufferable mongrel…  
GG: ! even hated karkat for a l!ttle wh!le too but…  
GG: even after ! forgave karkat terez! cont!nued to annoy me  
GG: all her stup!d l!ttle qu!rks and how obnox!ously ded!cated she !s to her own stup!d l!ttle leg!slacerator façade and how she !s always try!ng to vex everyone and p!ck p!ck p!ck under your sk!n l!ke youre some sort of robot and shes try!ng to f!gure out how you operate  
GG: just to use that !nformat!on to vex you some more!!!!!!  
GG: ! just hate the stup!d l!ttle frump face okay  
GG: ! hate how she tr!ed to h!de her k!smes!ss!tude from karkat and how !t almost ru!ned sooooooooo many fr!endsh!ps because we all felt l!ke we had to take s!des  
GG: gamzee or terez! gamzee or terez!  
GG: and how she d!dnt seem to even waaaaaant any help f!x!ng the s!tuat!on when you offered to ausp!st!ze them!!!!  
GG: she can just be so barking self!sh or thoughtless or both!!!!!!  
GG: ! dont know wh!ch one she !s and ! dont really care all ! know !s that she should grow up already  
GG: and thats com!ng from me!!!!!!!!!! >:0u  
TT: I think I’m staRting to regRet asking you to be so candid.  
GG: ugh, sorry :0c  
GG: th!s !s my f!rst t!me ever adm!tt!ng to these feel!ngs  
TT: Yes, I see how this might make youR fRiendships with Nepeta and KaRkat a LittLe awkwaRd. But you haven’t even told FefeRi?  
GG: !m k!nd of ashamed ! guess…  
GG: ! dont want a repeat of what happened when terez! and gamzee started dat!ng…  
TT: And become the peRson you hated for that veRy Reason?  
GG: yeah…  
TT: Hmm, I see youR pRobLem.  
TT: NonetheLess, I doubt that this wiLL be quite the same situation. Gamzee and TeRezi had an unheaLthy ReLationship fRom the staRt, having gone into the ReLationship foR aLL the wRong Reasons, and it onLy woRsened thRough theiR dishonesty. They aRe both in stabLe moiRaLLegiances now, and aLL the betteR foR having vaciLLated ashen with me as theiR mediatoR.  
TT: You and TeRezi have no oveRLapping quadRants that wouLd become stRained fRom a kismesissitude, aLthough that isn’t aLways a hoRRibLe thing. Jonath and I shaRe VRiska, and we Respect each otheR’s feeLings towaRds ouR shaRed concupiscent LoveR.   
TT: In fact, we even use the unusuaL Love tRiangLe to ouR advantage at times, but I doubt you want to heaR about that stuff.  
GG: hmmmm???  
TT: Oh sweet, naïve Jaydan.  
GG: :0u  
GG: !m not thaaaaaat na!ve   
GG: ! aced all the standard grubfeed!ng lessons !ll have you know  
TT: Even the couRse on mating fondness, piLe safety, and paiL fiLLing?  
GG: even that one!!  
TT: Well then, I RetRact my statement. You aRe not that extRaordinaRiLy naïve. Just moRe naïve than the aveRage sexuaLLy matuRe tRoLL.  
GG: heehee yeah ! guess youre r!ght :0p  
TT: Now, I do beLieve I have nagged you enough. It shaLL take a whiLe foR the dRones to find you on youR LittLe isLand, anyway. You may even have a coupLe of weeks untiL you have to woRRy about the dRones knocking at youR fRont dooR.  
GG: ! sure hope so…  
GG: so!!  
GG: whats our gameplan???  
TT: Since KaRkat is stiLL indecisive about joining the cuLt of the SignLess, we might as weLL focus on Gamzee instead.  
GG: okay!!!  
GG: so what are we do!ng w!th h!m  
TT: We'Re going to take him to the caRnivaL.  
GG: the… daaaaark carn!val??? :0u ! thought that was the!r rel!g!ons term for the afterl!fe  
TT: Oh no, this caRnivaL wiLL just be a ReguLaR caRnivaL. Not counting the vaRious obscuRe cLown-woRshipping occuLtists who peRfoRm theRe, of couRse.  
GG: oh phewww ! was worr!ed for a m!nute there  
TT: Don't you woRRy, Jaydan. I wouLd neveR pLan foR the execution of my veRy own auspistizee.  
TT: I am, howeveR, pLanning on Leading him into what many wouLd caLL a tRap. So I suppose as pLates go, mine is faR fRom cLean. Even if I am suRe he wouLd come to foRgive shouLd he eveR find out, my conscience Remains heavy.  
GG: yeah… ! can !mag!ne!!  
GG: somet!mes ! feel l!ke !m keep!ng secrets from fefer! because ! havent g!ven her all the deta!ls yet but she ends up spend!ng a lot of t!me around aranea because of meenah  
GG: !m afra!d aranea w!ll catch on and want to be !n on the secret too  
GG: and she just cant keep her muzzle closed :0u  
TT: I beLieve that was a wise decision, Jaydan. I wouLd not woRRy so much about it.  
GG: yeah…  
GG: so who are we br!ng!ng to the carn!val??  
TT: It wiLL have to be a gRoup thing, foR it to make sense foR Gamzee to bRing his fRiend KuRLoz aLong. I was counting the guest List as foLLows: Gamzee, KuRLoz, Jonath, KaRkat, you, and me.  
GG: why jonath???  
TT: He pRacticaLLy begged me to Let him tag aLong.  
GG: heeheehee  
TT: Yes, I found it most adoRabLe. He was not paRticuLaRLy fond of the cheek pinching that foLLowed.  
GG: awwwwwwwwww :0p  
TT: I wiLL ask Gamzee and KaRkat if they want to join, and you may aLso invite FefeRi and Nepeta to tag aLong, if they'Re avaiLabLe.  
GG: w!ll do!!  
GG: nepeta !s st!ll at equ!uss place ! th!nk so she should def!n!tely be ava!lable  
TT: Oh. One Last thing. Have you eveR consideRed Nepeta as a potentiaL matespRit?  
GG: rosary really shes been !n love w!th karkat for nearly four or more sweeps now  
GG: and w!th no s!gns of stopp!ng  
TT: I'LL RefRain fRom pointing out that that wasn't exactLy a no, and instead just Remind you that peopLe tend to be a LittLe Less nitpicky with theiR choice of quadRantmates aRound fiLiaL paiL time.  
GG: …  
TT: The ciRcus wiLL be in ChaRtReuse ViLLa's squaRe tomoRRow at noon.  
TT: KaRkat's tRanspoRtaLizeR is stiLL connected to Gamzee's, coRRect?  
GG: yup!! karkat would have come b!tch!ng to me !f !t suddenly stopped work!ng for any reason…  
TT: ExceLLent. We shouLd aLL have pRopeR tRanspoRtation to the caRnivaL. ALthough, in oRdeR to make suRe you make it on time, you might want to stay at Equius's hive oveR the day. I wouLd invite FefeRi as weLL, even if she has the ResouRces to hiRe heR own Light-fast vehicLe at any given moment.  
GG: heehee okay !ll ask nepeta !f we can have a sleepover :0p  
TT: And who knows? She may invite TeRezi and you may fiLL both youR quadRants at the same time.  
GG: :0o!!!!!  
GG: rooooooooosarrrrrrry dont say stuff l!ke that!!  
TT: My apoLogizes foR making youR face ReveaL youR veins’ tRue coLoR. TaLk you LateR, now!  
GG: bye :0u  
\--gardenGnostic ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]—  



End file.
